Here.

A few weeks ago, we found out my grandma has breast cancer. Honestly, the days leading up to being told are kind of a blur of phone tag and frustrating calls with little information.I questioned God a lot those few days. If you love my grandma, then why? Why is this happening to her? You’re supposed to protect her. You’re supposed to protect me. I was angry. I was confused. I was overwhelmed. I felt defeated.That same day that the doctors finally had answers, a friend of mine texted in our group chat about her grandma, who was also battling cancer. I told her about how my grandma doesn’t speak English, so I would take responsibility for making appointments and being the bridge between the doctors and my grandma. My friend told me that her grandma doesn’t speak English either, and how she had a similar role.The next week, I needed to return a $96 textbook access code. The replacement book was $99, which I did not have the money for. Because I had claimed the code, I wasn’t supposed to be able to return it. I went to the bookstore, and for some reason, they refunded me the money. As silly as this sounds, this was exactly what I needed; for something to work out.Over those two weeks, I was ok. I felt God. I felt him telling me that things were going to be ok, that we’d get through this, that the battle was already won.I know God was there. I felt more at peace than I have in a long time. I was hopeful. It made no sense, but that’s God, right? I was constantly reminded of the verse “I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side. I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you” (Isaiah 41: 8-10).Now, I really don’t know why bad things happen. People talk about free will and sin, but that doesn’t really relate to this situation. But, what I do know is that things are hard. Things are scary. Life is filled with complicated, discouraging, and painful things. But God never leaves. In the middle of what feels like the end of the world, God is closer than we can comprehend. God is with me right now as I type this. God was with me when I was angry with Him.Sometimes it takes searching and searching for the little nuggets of his love in your life. It takes noticing the texts that came in at the perfect time. It takes noticing the dime on the floor. It takes awareness, but I promise you, they’re there. Whether we are aware of them or not, they are there. He is there.words by Ashley Jesus and photo by Arianna Taralson