Consumed.

I laid in bed and stared at my dark window. I didn’t know what time it was or how long I had laid awake, but I knew something was wrong. You see, I never wake up in the middle of the night. I fade to sleep within minutes of hitting the pillow and don’t wake up until I hear my blaring alarm. I was in a stressful season of life. My husband and I were living out of suitcases as we traveled around interviewing for his next job. We knew this season would be one of transition, but it was lasting longer than expected. In the beginning, we were bright-eyed for where God was leading us next. This wavered after we received 3 unexpected, hard calls back to back. As I laid in bed watching the window slowly light up with the rising sun, my mind was whirling and my heart was anxious. We were in an unknown we had never experienced before. God, what are you doing? Why are we still in this? I was exhausted and felt disconnected from everything else in my life because of the looming unknown.The next night, I was reading “Still Waiting” by Ann Swindell. It felt appropriate to pick up again. I read an excerpt on idolization that hit me like a ton of bricks:“When we start seeing our pain and suffering and the struggles we endure as the high pitch of our experience, or when we start demanding that God heal us, or when we make the end of suffering the goal of our relationship with him, we have put our suffering above Jesus. This happens when we start making ourselves and our suffering the center of the story we’re living, regardless of what that suffering is.”In this moment, I realized why I was having trouble sleeping and fighting off anxiety every day. Yes, we had a big decision to make, but it was settled deeper in my soul than that. The unknown had become my idol. I had learned before that idolatry is when we put something above God. However, I only associated that with enjoyable luxuries like jobs, money, friends, or relationships. I saw idols as things we enjoyed so much, we put them before God. But no, not always. It is anything we place above God’s proper place in our lives. His proper place is our main focus. This impending transition to something new we did not yet know anything about had become my idol. It consumed me rather than letting myself be consumed by the Lord in this season of blind faith.As soon as we take our eyes off the Lord and make it about our circumstances, we crumble. Even when I would sit with God, I found myself only praying for this decision, for clarity and peace. I gave it all my thoughts, prayers and conversations. It was the focus of my life. My story had become about my suffering rather than about Jesus in my suffering. This has opened my eyes to where my heart goes when troubles come. Our sufferings all look different, but hardship is imminent and our hearts look to something in those times. Our focus, in the easy and hard seasons, should always be about Jesus. When we let ourselves be consumed by him rather than our present circumstances, peace floods into every dark corner of our worries and fears. I am not perfect at it, but by his grace there are days that are easier than others. The days when I keep the Lord at the center of my story assures me this is how it was created to be. Suffering was not part of creation in the beginning, but God’s intimacy with us always has been so it needs its proper place, front and center in our lives.words by Lauren Grindstaff and photo by Leah Van Otterloo