The Right Reasons.

After being very into the Myers-Briggs personality test in high school and seeing people talk about the Enneagram online, I decided to start looking into it. My research into it hasn't been deep, but it has really made me think. While I am learning about myself, it's also raising more questions. For instance, I listened to a podcast episode that explained my procrastination as a way to eliminate conflict. Which explains why it's so stressful for me to call, say, the cable company or the AC guy (both of which I had to do this week), and why I put it off as long as possible. It doesn't explain, however, why I fear that "conflict" so much in the first place.This got me thinking about intention. This test and system claims to answer questions about yourself and help you understand the "why's" behind what you do, so you can better understand yourself, and therefore work to improve your personal struggles. The truth is, no test or psychologist out there can completely explain your inner workings, the ones you can't even explain. I can't really explain why I repeatedly get frustrated about that one thing, or why flowers make me happy, and I can't tell you definitively why I posted any one picture on Instagram. Was it to express myself? Connect with others? Because I felt like I needed to? To gain approval and affirmation?  I could ask those questions of myself for any number of things without having an answer. Why did I tell my friend about that project I've been working on? Or about that book I'm reading? Or that cool jewelry company I found?Paul, in his letter to the Galatians chapter 1 verse 10, writes, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings? Or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."In everything that I do, especially in the things I create and write, am I making and sharing them for the right reasons? The faith blog I started. Did I really start it as a way to grow my faith and maybe reach some other people while practicing writing skills and building my portfolio, like I told myself and everyone else? Or was it a way for me to praise myself and show the world what a good Christian I am? Why did I seek out a leadership position in my college women's ministry? Because I wanted to help the ministry in a more tangible way to spread the word of God…right? It definitely wasn't just because I wanted a clearer purpose and to make closer friendships, so that's okay, right God? I can ask these questions even about this article I'm writing right now! I'm putting this out into the world with a Christian message, but is my heart in the right place?I've been asking myself these questions and have come to the conclusion that my purpose isn't always completely Christ-driven, even if my actions appear to be.It’s important to remember the grace that we are given by God when we make mistakes. We are going to screw up. Over and over and over again. We’re going to do things we aren’t proud of and we’re not always going to do the right things for the right reasons. We have grace for that. But the important thing to remember is just because we have grace doesn’t mean we have permission to repeatedly screw up. We shouldn’t have the mindset of “Well, I know this isn’t right, but if I do it, I can just ask for forgiveness afterwards and it will be fine.” It’s really dangerous to get into this way of thinking when we take personality tests and start learning more about our personal tendencies and the things we do. I get frustrated really easily. Really easily. I’m indecisive and I procrastinate and I avoid conflict like it’s a means of survival. But just because personality tests tell me that’s who I am, it doesn’t mean I’m justified raising my voice when I get frustrated or putting off essays until the day before. We aren’t locked into our sins and habits, and we shouldn’t live like we are.In high school I had a teacher who talked a lot about the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. To have a fixed mindset is to believe that your traits and skills are fixed, while in a growth mindset you believe that you are in control of your abilities, and that you can learn and improve yourself. I think we have a tendency to approach sin in one of these ways as well. Either it’s too big a sin, too engrained in our personality to ever significantly change, or it’s one we know we can improve on. We know we messed up, but we ask forgiveness and tell ourselves we’ll do better next time. Why is it so hard to look at all sins the same way? Why do we excuse ourselves or simply overlook certain sins and not others? Why do I let myself do good things with intentions that aren’t necessarily pure?My hope is that I learn to grow in everything I do, not just the things that are the most obvious or the easiest for me to change, and that I learn to ask God for help in aligning my intentions. I hope you do, too.words and photo by Josie BivensSaveSaveSaveSave