Beloved.
"Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the ‘beloved.’ It’s a core truth of our existence.” -Henri NouwenAs I read these words, I knew from that day forward, my internal dialogue was about to get a wake up call, and one I didn’t know I needed, one that answered a question I did not know I had. A few years ago, I had rediscovered the depths of what it meant to be in an intimate relationship with God. With this new spiritual awareness came deeper self-awareness. But could I be self-aware to a fault?In short, yes. I’m going to assume most of us experience a rejection of self at some point in our lives, if not daily. For me, this extreme self-awareness led me to see God in every golden detail of my life, but it also led me to see where I had failed Him as a daughter. I could count my blessings just as easily as I could count the daily moments I let Him down. For a season, I considered this special attention and daily reflection on improvement to be, well, a good thing. And, while personal reflection is an integral part of being a disciple, I ended up missing the mark. I expended so much emotional energy on that personal reflection (turned self-rejection) alone that I ended up being empty and unavailable for conversation with God. There I was, attempting to make myself "perfect" for Him, but in fact I just placed distance between us, distance He didn’t ask for. So, what does one do? I had read a book once that likened the soul to an interior castle. This interior castle represented a place for one to escape this earthly world and be in the holy presence of the Lord. A prayer room, if you will. This is where I could go to escape self-rejection and cling to Christ’s comforting and merciful being. In prayer, I could hold the hand of our Lord, sit at His feet, and ponder all that He’s given us in this life, as well as smile at the thought of eternal life with Him. As I envisioned my interior castle, the words from this old hymn rang truer than ever; “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of the earth will fall strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”This series of words came to me like a sigh of relief, so much so that they will forever punctuate all of my prayers. Why? Because if I can keep my eyes fixed upon Him, even my own big and tall self-rejection will fall dim to His Light. And though this lesson of learning to accept our belovedness seems a wee bit simple, Peter reminds us that it is ok to be reminded."Therefore, I will always remind you of these things, even though you already know them and are established in the truth you have” (Peter 1:12).words by Lauren Elizabeth Weller and photo by Arianna Taralson