Even If.

Today was one of those days where I felt so alone, despite living in a place constantly surrounded by people. To be honest, these lonely days come more often than I’d like to admit. Now, I’m not just talking about physical loneliness, but rather the kind of loneliness that shakes your soul. The kind of feeling that there may be no one on this side of heaven who really gets you. I mean, no one who has lived through the same chaotic, stressful, crazy brokenness. Some days I feel like the only person who holds guilt like a heavy brick in their stomach. Some days I feel like the only person whose past mistakes creep up in quiet, unexpected whispers. Some days (or maybe even most days), I forget that I am not alone in this battle.But, at the end of the lonely days, when my mind flips through a million “what-if” scenarios, I am able to grasp onto two of the holiest little words: even if. These words steady my trembling heart and re-center my mind. At the end of the day, even if things did not go as planned, even if I made mistakes, even if my past haunted me, even if I felt utterly alone, a new day is within reach. God’s mercies for me are made new each day, even if I feel as though I’m undeserving of them. Even if I get caught up in the web of lies the world has spun to define my life, I’m allowed to let myself lean into truth instead. Today, instead of wallowing in Satan’s lies about my life, I am choosing to walk in God’s truth: I am enough.It’s crazy how God uses a situation where I feel so vulnerable and helpless to remind me of my worth. I’m taught some of the most valuable lessons when I hit rock bottom, and I’m reminded that the only way to grow is up. I’m not put in lonely situations so that I am reminded of the absences in my life, but rather so I can recognize the abundance of strength God has equipped me with. He hasn’t failed me yet, and He will not fail me amidst a season of loneliness and self-doubt. In each moment when I’m not sure of how I’ll keep my head above water when I feel completely and utterly helpless, God remains fixed and steady on me.So those nights when I swear to myself that I’m the only one panicking about an exam, or studying on a Friday night, or worried about the future, or discouraged by social media posts, I’m reminded that I surely am not alone. Because the truth of the matter is this: the darkness exists to remind us to rejoice in the light. Even if this season feels dark and lonely, God is there, and He loves me, regardless of my season of darkness. For darkness doesn’t take things away from us, but rather challenges us to trust in what we know already exists in the light.words by Maddie Watson and photo by Cate Willis