It's Okay if You're Not Okay.

Tonight I was surrounded by a chorus of voices, each one purposed with unique passions and callings, offering both their hearts and their voices before the Lord. Tonight I was reminded of how far I've come in just two short years, the person I was nearly a shadow of the person that I have become. Tonight I thought of all the opportunities that have been graciously poured out before me, opportunities that once seemed so impossible and so beyond my reach. Tonight I was surrounded by a myriad of people who had become my friends and my family, a community stronger than anything I could have dreamed of or created on my own.I found gratefulness in these things, I truly found thankfulness abundant. But that night I also found hurt amidst the joy. Emotions that I swore I had brushed under the carpet began to rise to the surface. Awkward and unavoidable tension made itself known, insecurity taking its familiar and dominating place. Fears of the unknown consumed my mind, failure and rejection seeming the inevitable outcome. And as I sat there in the midst of it all I thought to myself how foolish I must be for possessing the feelings that were rising in my chest and surging through my body. How poor of a Christian I must be for having such little faith and for placing such wavering trust in my Creator. How adulterous I must be for allowing myself to lose focus in such a significant fashion. The pain was creating a distraction and the internal chaos was creating a barrier between me and the Lord. So, feeling somewhat guilty and overwhelmed, I took a seat and opened up my journal in order to construct a list of all that I was thankful for. I intended to make myself happy by doing what I always did - ignoring the unfavorable and masking the hurt.But as I began my list something inside me said that I was wrong."No," it seemed to whisper. "Think about the pain, think about the awkward; don't just pretend it doesn't exist. Yes, it's hard and yes, you're scared and unsure. But consider it all joy; let steadfastness have its full effect (James 1) - embrace it. Life is messy, growth is uncomfortable, but think about the Constant; think of how faithful He's been. Allow the warmth of His hand and the tender look in His eyes to propel you forward. You don't just "move on" from something - you walk through it; you experience it in its fullness. You live and you learn, you win and you lose; this journey is not always easy and smooth. But don't you dare pretend like your perception is insignificant or like your feelings are invalid. Don't you ever feel ashamed of your honesty or of your heart. Take the good, take the bad, and praise Him through it all."Attempting to disregard the negativity in my life never truly made me happy for it only buried the pain. Attempting to avoid an uncomfortable reality never truly made me content for it only caused more deception in my spirit. Attempting to subscribe to preconceived notions of how long something must affect me before its unhealthy never truly sped up the process for it only created an unnecessary and anxious urgency. Friends, allow yourselves time to heal; allow yourselves time to be open and honest with yourself. It's okay to not always be okay. We are not called to pretend as if trials do not exist, but rather to find the Lord's face even within them. Joy truly does come in the morning and not because we turn on the lights and pretend that it's day, but rather because we have allowed ourselves the time that it takes to live through the night.words by Jodie Jones and photo by Shelby Bauer