An Honest Letter to Those Like Me.

To all the perfectionists - you are seen.To all the self-confined servant hearts - you are valuable.To all those who would rather be hurt than hurt others - you are worthy.To all the dear hearts who have believed that your existence somehow burdens another, you are so much more.To all the humans like me who struggle with self-image and insecurities - your forgiveness has been paid for.I try to make it a habit to be as honest as I can with these articles, but this one in particular strikes a cord so personal that I have been writing through tears. I invite you into my heart to see the soul of someone who has long been esteemed as confident, selfless, kind, intentional, and loving, but who struggles to forgive herself when she falls anywhere short of these things. I invite you to come and sit with me as I muddle through it all and as Jesus heals my heart. This healing is extended to you, too, friend. Come and drink from the fountain of life.A little backstory: For so long, I have rooted my identity in the words that others have spoken over me, continually seeking approval. In the beginning of my social development, there was a fair amount of negativity from peers, so I anchored myself in the opinions of my teachers and parents who praised me for my intelligence and bold, outgoing eccentricity. As my personality began to truly take shape, I began to mellow out, and I soon learned that most people really like being around people that made them feel good about themselves. I obviously wanted to be someone others liked being around, so I quickly acquiesced for the sake of making friends and became an extravagant affirmer, passive agree-er, and the friend that “everyone could trust.” I thrived from the positive attention I received from my peers when I conformed to their personalities, so I became the “likeable” girl who was everyone's friend.I later learned that true friendships are formed through each individual being an individual - not a carbon-copy of one another. But all that I knew about myself for years was being the nice one, the fun one, the friend of all...perfect. I was obviously far from perfect, but still, I felt that I had to be whatever “perfect” was for each situation. Through that, I developed a detrimental pattern of self-hatred upon each shortcoming of my expectations for myself. To be honest, most people didn't even really have an expectation for me to be perfect. In a way, I sort of think they were waiting for the true Olivia to show herself and have some sort of flaw that she admitted to - you know, to make her human. But I couldn't risk being seen, because that meant risking not being liked for who I was. I could justify people not liking me for who I was pretending to be, but not for the essence of who I was. I struggled to transform from doormat to door. From the thing that people wipe their feet all over to the thing that opens itself to let people in. The sad part is that I made myself into a doormat, all because I didn't know how to forgive myself.I didn't know how to forgive my 8-year-old self from being the annoying poser who would buy the same clothes as my best friends just to try to be as cool as them. I didn't know how to forgive myself for being the bossy 11-year-old know-it-all who lost friends from Bible-thumping and probably turned people off to Christ. I didn't know how to forgive my 15 year-old self from wasting 2 years dreaming about a boy who destroyed my self-worth through his silence. I didn't know how to forgive my 18- year-old self from the cold words I had spoken in anger when moving out of my parent's house. I didn't know how to forgive my very recent self from nearly pouring 2 years of beautiful relationship down the drain from fear of my presence being a burden. Insecurity, like a thief, has stolen so much of my life. I have had it. I will not see another relationship ruined because of it or another day of self-loathing. Regret has had residency in my soul for far too long. Fear has scared me out of so many beautiful opportunities. Unforgiveness has held me in a darkness of sins that hold no candle to Christ's lamp of love for me.I am learning. I am learning that when God says to forgive, He means me to. That when I hold myself to who I used to be and punish myself for past behaviors, its actually pride saying that I can somehow pay a price that has already been paid for me in blood. It's such a delicate, painful, and messy walk, but it's worth the memories you must sift through and the tears you will shed when you free yourself from the chains of your self-inflicted incarceration. This is truth: Christ died for you in all your mess, loves you in all your imperfection, and extends grace to you in every season. You do not need to earn His love or forgiveness. You can only walk on from here if you let your bonds be broken. Accept mercy. Accept grace. Forgive yourself. You are worthy because He calls you worthy. This is the truth that I lean into. This is the Gospel.To all of those who can relate to me, please take my word for it – you don't need to punish yourself. Stop making your bed in Sheol and let the inheritance of Christ's mercy sweep you into the arms of deep love once again.words by Olivia Douglas and photo by Hailey Pierce