A Patient Heart.

Last night, I laid awake in bed from three am to six am frantically awaiting the sound of my alarm. For three long hours, my eyes traced the outline of my ceiling. My heart beat fast. My mind went to places I wish it hadn't. I tried forcing sleep, counting sheep, but the purring of anxiety kept me awake. Desperately, I added up the hours and minutes and seconds of sleep I would get if I fell asleep right now. Or now. Or now. Or now. And then, finally, orange light slid between my curtains, and my peace was renewed.All of this made me wonder. How often do I wish away seasons of brokenness? How often do I frantically click fast forward when things aren't just perfect? How often do I dedicate more of myself to speeding to the "good parts" than I do basking in the realness and grittiness and bareness of my vulnerable, not so pretty, moments?I think that so often, we make ourselves blind to the potential that there is some good, some purpose, in this ugliness. We flail our arms till we grab hold of the raft instead of knowing the beauty of learning to swim. We sprint to the nearest building or umbrella or car instead of letting the rain drench our skin and cleanse it. We avoid any trace of discomfort, any trace of unknown and search for safety nets every where.What would it look like if we smiled in the face of fear? What would it have looked like if instead of obsessing over falling asleep I had opened my bible, wrote something, watched the sunrise, read a book, appreciated the silence, or taken advantage of these hours of rest with no where to be. Truth is, this life is three am to six am life. It is a big mess of unexpected moments and unplanned events. But it is here, here my friend, where the Lord is teaching us. In the seasons that we want to skip over. In the hours that we wish we could drown out with sleep. There is beauty there. Beauty that we miss when we run for safety. When we escape to higher ground. There is glory in laying face down on the ground. There is glory in wandering aimlessly. There is glory in waiting.James 1:2-4 says: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."We are called to be patient in the midst of suffering because we honor a God who does his best work in the heart of the storm.words and photo by Kate PayneSaveSave