Honesty.

I have been away from writing for a while, and it’s because I have been going through one of the hardest seasons of my life. Since the month of October, I have been facing what seems to me as one trial after the other. Going through so much made my perspective shift from God to this world.Not only was I, and still am, going through family and personal issues, but it seemed that when I needed God the most, He decided to be silent. I felt like He disowned me or simply forgot about me. All I could think was that God was not attentive to my cry. That He was allowing the enemy to put me through so much pain and rob all of my joy. I have countless journal entries of me pouring out everything to God and not hearing anything in return.Yes, these last five months have not been completely silent. I would hear God maybe once a month as He gave me a word to cling onto in the midst of the season. But, eventually, it wasn’t enough. I was in pain and needed the hug of the Father. Just a few weeks ago, I broke and almost walked away from being a Christian. I am not perfect and the things I have been fighting were truly breaking me down to nothing.I just want to be honest because some of you may be dealing with the same things and need to know that we don’t go through these seasons alone. There are people out there experiencing the same pains to some degree, and we can come together and fight the battle together.Since the month of October, I have been dealing with family problems that don’t seem to let up. I have gone from having no place to live to suddenly being back into the same toxic environment that offers no fellowship. The pain that I experienced and that I’m still facing has hurt my heart so deeply, and only God can invade and bring healing. Due to my environment and stress, I have been having nightmares almost every night for the last five months, along with sleep paralysis. I also work two jobs, and I’m currently a full-time college student. Because things got so out of control, my mind looked to one thing I could control: how much food I could consume and the number the scale said. I began to flirt with eating disorders, and I removed myself from a community of believers who loved me and became so isolated. This lead me to only find myself in one of the unhealthiest places I have ever been.Now, I’m not sitting here writing this because I have it all figured out - because I really don’t. I am still taking steps through all of it. But, I have received truth and the ever present and warm hug of the Father that is pushing me to keep fighting. I am really holding onto faith and His promises over my life. The calling the Lord has placed over my life and His overwhelming love are truly the reason I did not walk away and give into what the world offers. God is strengthening me to walk through this battle with Him and only rely on Him. I crave to know Him more and more every day. To know His goodness, His love, and how I can pour that out to other people who desperately need to experience Jesus. I have shifted my perspective to see with His eyes. Because I know that I can’t get through the challenge by focusing on the problem. I must focus on the promise!There is a quote from Chris Mendez, Pastor Hillsong Buenos Aires & Sāo Paulo, that says, “What you focus on will determine your destination.”I no longer wanted my destination to be misery and pain. I want the place my feet stands firm on to be of the Lord and in His goodness and love.I know this is very raw, but I really hope it encourages every person who reads this to keep fighting the good fight. He has restored my heart and is walking beside me. He will do the same for you, just shift your perspective. The Lord, our God, is constantly breathing life into us so that we can rise and go another day in His house. I have learned to begin every day by thanking Him for the season and asking Him how I can fight it with Him. I now speak joy over my life and rebuke what the enemy means for evil.Here are a few things I would love to leave you with that I’ve learned along the way:The blessings outweigh the joy - no matter how hard life may look right now. I know this to hold true.There is still good in the middle of the pain.His consolation brings true joy. Even if all the moments don’t feel joyous.Seasons are not permanent. No matter how everlasting they feel.Sing a song of Joy, Praise, Blessing, Positivity, and Belief no matter how hard. 

“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy” - Psalm 91:19

words and photo by Alexis JohnsonSaveSaveSaveSave