The Letting Go.

I battled a horrible mental illness in my high school years, and I dreaded talking about it. I think I disliked talking about it so much because I still struggled with it when most people thought it was long gone. So it became this secret struggle in college. These days, I am on the other side of the healing for the most part, though there are still some times when it comes back to challenge me now and again.

When I started really following Jesus in college, I prayed continually for a feeling of freedom against this struggle. And there were times where that taste of freedom would come, but what would happen is that I would feel myself resisting completely letting go of my struggle. I felt like the Lord was placing the opportunity right in front of me, but I would resist it time and time again. For some reason, I felt scared to let that part of me go. That struggle had become so familiar. It had been with me while I had grown and experienced so much of life. It had become such a part of my story that the thought of letting it go felt scary—like I wouldn’t be myself without it.

I view that season of my life, where I was learning to let go, as an “in between” season. I think many of us go through seasons like this. We spend a lot of time trying to let go of something. On this side of life, there’s always something to let go of. But sometimes, once we decide to let go, figuring life out afterward can be the hard part. Because then we have to learn who we are without that thing.

I’m reading this booked called The Blue Book, and it talks about this season known as the "in between." “It is the space between: between the boat and Jesus, between letting go and being taken hold of, between the old and familiar and the new and unknown, between control and agenda and dependence and detachment. It is a space that is both completely terrifying and unbelievably exciting. It is the space between your answer has come, or your problem has been been solved. It is the space where you must trust the heart of God alone for your life. It is the space of genuine transformation.” I think this is exactly what healing can feel like.

It is easy for me to look back and feel confused as to why this in between season of my life felt never-ending, and it has left me wondering why I was there in the first place. But the fact that there are seasons is such a beautiful concept. The season we’re in won’t last forever. And that can bring on a range of emotions. Because sometimes the season we’re in is painful, and we feel like we’re climbing an infinitely tall mountain. And then some seasons feel like sunshine and walking through a meadow. Sometimes seasons make sense while we’re in them. We know exactly why the Lord has us there, and we can hear our purpose so loud and clear. But then there are other seasons where it is so confusing. We feel loss and don’t know why we must go through them. But this is when we get to trust. We trust that the Lord has a reason for it, that He’s going to teach us and grow us.

Let me tell you, though, through that season of learning to let go, I came out with more courage. I came out stronger and knowing the taste of freedom. I have tasted freedom in such a big way that I can’t even put it into words.  I came out with deeper friendships and more compassion. I am more equipped to walk through that season I once went through with others who are now going through similar ones. I came out with more of the story God has written for me. And I’m reminded that each season is necessary in order for the whole story to happen. The Lord has so much waiting for us—sometimes we just have to let go in order to see it.

words by Megan Sauers and photo by Cate Willis