Panicked Pride.

I'm going to start off by being really vulnerable. I have the lowest self-esteem in myself. Either I think I'm not smart enough, not productive enough, not kind enough, not beautiful enough, or something else. The list goes on--and this weekend, I definitely felt terrible. On Thursday, I was supposed to catch a flight to Prague from Edinburgh, where I'm studying for the semester. When I got to the gate everything was fine until boarding time. I showed my boarding pass to the flight attendant who told me that I needed a visa stamp and had to go get one from the Swissport stall across the airport and down the stairs. Panicked, I sprinted across the airport, running as fast as my legs could go because I was determined to get on this flight to Prague. By the time I found the station to get my stamp, I sprinted back through security--which was shutting down at that time--and using all the strength I could muster, sprinted back to the gate. By the time I got there, sweat was dripping from my forehead and the flight attendants frowned at me. They had just shut the door and I had missed my flight. I was absolutely devastated. Going down to the reception, I tried haggling for a refund but I could not get anything in return. The earliest flight they had to Prague was two days later, just hours before when my return flight was booked.

All I can say is the feeling of failing at something you had prepared so long for is so dark. I had worked so hard to get all the steps right, especially since it'd be my first time travelling on my own to mainland Europe. I had printed maps, hand drawn maps with directions on them, written step by step on how to get from one mode of transport to the other, marked up all the different places I'd see, and prepared my brand new film camera to be ready just on time. Sitting on the bus ride home, I had to fight back tears of disappointment in myself. Then began the self-denigration. I was a failure. I was a disappointment. My head was in the clouds. I was all alone in this place far away from home. How could I imagine myself fighting off war criminals in international tribunals if I couldn't figure out how to read the fine print on a boarding pass? Self-doubt, self-depreciation, all were like one big tidal wave hitting me.God humbled me. I realized I had been praying for the Lord to break me and build me up again. And this was just that. God broke my spirit of pride, my self assurance, and anything I tried to take on my own and used this incident to test me. What would I do when I couldn't rely on my own abilities? Well, first I broke down. I took a really long walk that night and didn't get in bed till very early the next morning, just to have things a think through. I'd come to the conclusion that I'd been living a bit with my head in the clouds. I had unintentionally been going through my days and wasting precious time doing idle things. It was becoming uncommon for me to have meaningful conversations, have legitimate thoughts concerning my future, and actually take steps to achieve these things. This was not what I'd thought it'd be like, not one bit.Edinburgh was supposed to be a well-deserved break for me to get away from a lot of things and have an outside perspective and an inner transformation. But all along, God was working on me; in my brokenness he is piecing me together.Sure, I made a mistake. Sure, I didn't get to go to Prague this time. But, it was an altogether fulfilling weekend. I put God at the forefront and the center of each day, fasting and spending time reading the Bible. I spent a large amount of time doing much needed revision, flying through assignments, achieving more productivity than I have throughout the entire semester. I entered competitions and even taught myself how to work Adobe Illustrator along the way. I found an absolutely amazing book about hunting down war criminals from the Yugoslav Wars--and through it realized that was exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Ultimately, this weekend shook me. And it shook me hard. But it was just what I needed to clear my head and reorient myself to my priorities. I think I grew much more in just the past few days than I would have if I had simply gone to Prague and back. And for that, I'm thankful. Yes, thankful. Thankful that God spoke to me this weekend in the midst of my distress and sowed me back together. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "Suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless." Sure we're broken and not at all together, but God is painting a beautiful picture and sometimes that means casting certain bits off and redoing others. Eventually we become His masterpieces.I've never felt more confident in God as a redeeming and forgiving savior as I do now. And I've never felt more motivated on how to dedicate my life to his glory. So, I guess you could say it's been a pretty good weekend.words by Anashe Barton and photo by Sarah Beth Pritchard